The hit on Gotham
by JoseJalapenoOnAStick
Summary: Edward and The Joker decide that Gotham has had it too good for too long, and they're bringing in chaos in buckets.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Edward grabbed the Joker and they flew down the stairs and out the door. In the large garage outside Edward let the Joker off his back and scrambled to his shiny silver Volvo.

"I _want _the Porsche." The Joker said sternly and started skipping down the aisles till he hit Alice's sparkling yellow Porsche. He lay down on the hood and pointed indifferently at it.

"What? No, Alice would kill me."

"Ever hear of the healing power of laughter?" the Joker asked and slammed his fist into the hood of the car.

"They don't apply to us." Edward stated.

"Says who?"

"Me, we're undead."

"That doesn't make a difference. I WANT THE PORSCHE!" Joker yelled and kicked the bumper of the car so hard that it fell off with a large bang. He gasped and jumped off the hood of the car.

"We're both dead now." Edward said and ran back to his Volvo.

"Wait for me you quaziomortal freak!" The Joker yelled and there was the smell of burning rubber as Edward made a sharp U turn to get back to get the Joker. The Prince of Laughs hopped into the car and slammed the door behind him.

Edward sped out the door of the garage and the Joker beeped in a small tribute to the killed car. Alice stepped out of the house, a look of horror on her face. She pranced down the steps and grabbed onto the side of the car.

"What did you do to my Porsche?" she screamed.

"We put it out of its misery, Go Vampire Go!" And Edward stamped onto the gas pedal, running away from Alice's sure to be fury.

"And no rubbernecking the funeral." The Joker yelled into the wind as the Volvo slowly disappeared into a dark haze of chaos in the horizon. Alice would hear.

Author's note: So, do you like it? Sorry its short, other chapters will be longer.

Joker rocks! Check out my other stories.


	2. Mr Complains a lot

Chapter 2 Mr. Complains a Lot

"Hotdogs! Holy crap, Ice cream! Pull over vampire; I want some of his grub, now!" The Joker yelled and tried to grab the steering wheel away from Edward. Edward just looked at him with a puzzled expression.

"Jezz, Joker, calm down. I'm not going to pull over _again _just so you can punch someone in the gut and steal their food. I've stopped forty times so far, gummy bears? Why do you want gummy bears?"

The clown shrugged his shoulders and pulled a small plastic bag out of the Volvo's glove department.

"Look at this Mr. Complains a lot." And Joker pulled a comically big map out of his bag. Deciding just a map wasn't enough of a distraction; the Joker dumped the bag onto the floor of the car. Rubber chickens, white powder, and lipstick went flying. Immediately Edward was lost in a choking fume of makeup but he didn't move a decimeter off of the road.

"Joker, watch what you're doing to my car!" Edward screamed thrust his fist into the seat. Lipstick bounced nonchalantly from a small crevice and another smothering spell of powder poisoned the air supply.

The Prince of Jokes wasn't paying attention. He pulled down the mirror and grabbed a piece of lipstick off of Edward's lap. Then he smiled slightly, and went on doing his makeup like he wasn't sitting in a car with an annoyed vampire.

"Hello, you got a brain in their right? You do know that you're in a car with a vampire, an _extremely,_" Edward tried to spread the words out so that each syllable rang out with a deeper octave of anger. "Dangerous killing machine who doesn't like makeup on his car?"

"How do you know you don't like makeup on your car, do you have lots of my kind?" Joker asked.

"No, defiantly not." Edward sighed and wiped the rearview mirror off with the cuff of his sweater. The Joker was in fact one of a kind, and you'd most likely explode like a phoenix if you knew that there was more then one lunatic on the street with a Glasgow smile.

"Exactly." Joker sighed and grabbed a GPS off of the floor. He pushed a small button on the side of the machine. It beeped quietly and a girl's voice ran out shrilly.

"Hello, where are you going today?" it asked and the jokester laughed.

"Gotham!" He yelled and pushed another button.

"Gotham." The machine said in a low, slow monotone. "Turn left at the next intersection, HOLY COW, SLOW DOWN!" The GPS screeched and the Joker slammed it into the window.

"Oops." He said and let out a crazed laugh. Edward sighed as a spider web crack found its way in the corner and crawled across the window. Ten seconds later it exploded and glass pelted the vampire. The Joker found this the funniest thing he had ever seen.

At first Edward thought he was having some kind of muscle spasm that was, until the Joker started laughing like a hyena. "It explodes. On you!" The Joker laughed, making it into two sentences and breaking up the syllables until they were almost inaudible.

"Yeah, yeah, that just cracks you up, doesn't it?" Edward asked and shook glass out of his hair. "Can you just do me one favor?"

"No." Joker put it plainly.

Edward continued as if you hadn't heard the clown's answer. "Could you just sit quietly, just put on your make up or something, I don't care. I just want my Volvo to live for the rest of this drive, which shouldn't be that long." A grey sign stating Gotham within the next ten miles flew past, matching Edward's complaint.

"Fine." Joker said and grabbed his lipstick. Instead of applying it to his permanent smile however, he arched his back to Edward, and was facing the door so Edward couldn't see what he was doing.

"I can read your thoughts you know." Edward sighed.

"Really, that's unfortunate for you," Joker said and thought about a mob dealer he had beaten to a pulp and sprayed the Scarecrow's fear toxin on. He let out a homicidal laugh as he remembered the mobster screaming about killer kittens from Hell.

Thanks to Edward's two hundred miles over the speed limit driving, within five minutes they only had one mile left to Gotham. The starting sun began to slow in the middle of the sky and the rural plains of grazing cows became office space buildings. The world turned a darker color of a painter's pallet and the Joker got excited.

Not until now did you show Edward what he had drawn on his Volvo with lipstick. It was a stick figure, plainly naked, a very detailed stick figure in fact, being attacked with gas by a taller figure in a burlap sack.

"What's with Mr. Potato Head?" Edward asked and pointed toward the drawing.

"It's the scarecrow idiot, this is Mr. Potato head," the Joker painted to a potato with evil eyes and sharp teeth on his chair. "And my wonderful Picasso here is of you being gassed. I wonder what you'd see," Joker mused.

"Who the hell is the scarecrow and why am I being gassed?"

Author's note: There, second chapter is finally done! I would like to dedicate this chapter to, Cheesethecat28, who is extremely awesome, Thank you for reviewing!


	3. Kill Mo, and Joe, and Scarface?

Chapter 3 The World isn't as normal as you'd think

"You've never heard of the Scarecrow?" the Joker demanded his permanent smile sank a little lower his face. "The master of fear, the, the, man in the burlap sacks?"

"Well, we called Emmett the man in the burlap sack for a few days after he got his head stuck in a potato bag." Edward laughed and his eyes where temporarily out of focus while he remembered the moment. The Joker gave him a hostile glare and Edward shut up abruptly.

"Tell me if any of this rings a bell, batty," and the clown laughed at the nickname, "You're never heard of Scarecrow?"

"Nope?" Edward said and slid a little further away from the clown. A freaking _vampire _was afraid of a clown with a supply of endless morbid jokes, whose usual punch line ended up with poison, a train, some acid, or a bucketful of icky black jelly beans being force fed to you through your nose. It was pretty much the antonym of a good time.

"Poison Ivy, Red?"

"Nope."

"The Penguin?"

"Isn't that a hockey team?"

"Mr. Freeze?"

"_That_ sounds like an ice cream."

"Holy crap bat, you don't even know about my pumpkin pie Harley Quinn do you?" The Joker looked offended now and a deep red color rose in his cheeks and across his forehead like an infectious disease. Edward slid even further away from the exploding jokester.

"No I haven't got a clue who your pumpkin pie is." Edward sighed and suddenly he needed to look at the road.

"Fine, I guess I better explain. I don't need Quinn breaking your head off."

"I highly doubt that." Edward stated dryly and shifted silently in his seat.

"Let's start with the basis. Harley Quinn is _mine_. No touchy, don't even look at her. I swear if you even say one thing that would ruin my pumpkin's day you would be mince meat. I would personally feed you to the hyenas."

"You got hyenas?" Edward asked and shook his head in disbelief. How did a clown somehow inherit a bunch of hyenas and a girlfriend? Either way, he felt sorry for them.

"Lou and Bud. They're real great, really friendly to me and Harley."

"What about people other then you and your Quinn."

"Ummm… If I where you I'd wear a belt and two pairs of pants."

"Why?"

"Let's put it this way. They like to eat anything, they're mothers must have been goats I swear. Harley always says they take after me."

"Understatement." Edward glowered.

"And their favorite foods are steak, pants, and baked beans."

"Oh my God, your hyenas eat pants and baked beans?"

"Better believe it." The Joker laughed. "Now, Scarecrow, he's just a really big nerd, I swear. The only thing he can do is gas people; he punches like a girl scout."

"And I take it you get punched by a lot of girl scouts?" Edward asked.

The clown just shook his head. "You have no idea."

"Now, what's with the _gas_? You keep saying it like it's a drug or torture device or something. I don't get it."

"His fear toxin, it makes you see stuff that's not there, it's creepy stuff, worse then the worst drug imaginable. Think about Freddy Krueger and Marijuana mixed together."

Edward laughed. Even though the clown hadn't known it, he had stated the two things Vampires could not do. Take drugs and sleep. The Joker stared at Edward and looked back at his map, shaking his head.

"We're here, well here-ish." The Joker said and pointed into the middle of the map. Edward shook his head.

"That's Kansas. We're here right between Chicago and New York, see?"

"Yeah okay bats, let's get this party started."

"Wait, you only told me about the Scarecrow, who are the others?" Edward asked.

"Fine. Poison Ivy, or Red as my pumpkin calls her sometimes, is a real great annoyance. She's just plants this plants that. One talk about knocking down a forest with a nuclear bomb and she's right in your face with her killer fly trap. I swear that thing is HUGE well bigger then should be legal. I was eaten by it once; well until Harley made it spit me back out."

"Poison Ivy has a plant fetish, got it." Edward confirmed. "Now who's the penguin?"

"Wait, maybe I should explain this to you later, we got company," the Joker sighed and Edward roughly slammed onto the breaks. In front of them were a line of beefy mob dealers, the ones with names like Mo, Joe, and Killer. The ones that were in jail more times then you could count on your fingers, even if you suddenly grew eight more hands from nowhere.

"Harley Quinn! Look what you did, you made a mess. I'm going to have to kill all your little friends now." The Joker sighed.

Author's note: Wow, this was out a lot earlier then expected. Once again, I'd like to thank Cheesethecat28, who is still the most honorable and awesome person. This chapter is for you. I'd like to thank you for reviewing too. Keep reading and updating your story! Tell me how you like it!


	4. I've got a vampire guard dog

Chapter 4 I've got a vampire guard dog

"Mr. J!" Harley squealed and ran over, dropping her oversized bazooka in the process. "I thought that Batman, or Scarecrow, or Hatman did something terrible to you. I was lookin' everywhere for you. I even scared Red away with all my complaining."

Harley jumped into the Joker's arms as the bazooka discharged behind her. Her high pitched laugh chided and the Joker's deeper chuckle broke in. The clown spun Harley around and she squeaked with happiness. Not unlike a proud parent, the Joker ruffled her hair playfully.

"Hey Har, how where you holding up?" the Joker asked and carried her toward the mob dealers.

"Pretty fair, I beat up Mr. Scarface, all by myself!"

"He's a puppet." The Joker nodded.

"But you should have seen me. I was playin' cards with him; I swear he cheats Mr. J. But then I punched him in the face!" Harley squeaked.

Edward got out of the Volvo and leaned against it. This couldn't end well; there was already a van-sized hole in the ground spewing hot air from where the bazooka had hit, and a hyperactive miniature clown in a jester hat, talking about beating up puppets. _That _couldn't be good. Edward cleared his throat noisily.

"Mr. J, who's that?!" Harley yelled and jumped out of the Joker's arms. She darted over to him and pointed her finger at his chest, a few strands of blonde hair fell out of her jester's hat and she knocked herself off balance. "Mr. J, he's _hard_!" she complained.

"I'm Edward, Edward Cullen." Edward said and tried his best dazzling smile out on this clown. Harley just laughed at him and grabbed his hair roughly. Apparently his smile didn't work on abnormal girl clowns already in love with madmen.

"Look at me," she hissed. "Give me one reason why I shouldn't use a bendy straw to chop you head off."

"Told you so!" the Joker laughed behind him and Harley laughed incredulously at him.

"You know him Mr. J?" Quinn asked and let go of Edward's hair and blew air out of her cheeks noisily. "Sorry, Mr. Edward." She squeaked and ran over and hugged him.

"Okay then, hi Harley." He said and smiled sheepishly.

"You know my name!" she squealed and hugged him harder. "Tell me, do you already have a nickname, or do I have to give one to you?" she looked up at him and smiled.

"Err. I don't really have a good one." Edward laughed and looked up at the Joker. The prince of clowns ran over and grabbed Harley around the waist.

"Now pudding, would you mind telling me why you set up all the city's mob dealers around us so I don't have to kill them?" They had hit the mob dealers now and Edward ran over to them, almost vampire speed, to protect them. He didn't like what some of these guys where thinking.

Weirdly enough, he had an inkling to save the clown couple, to protect them from being shot, tortured, and eaten alive, exactly what these maniacs where thinking. Edward was sure that if he looked hard enough he could find Hanable eating a flute player with beans next to a hairy crack killer named Cash. Edward stood up next to them in a protective crouch, barely anything, but enough to show that he had an unlimited amount of venom to go around.

"Well you don't have to kill _all _of them, Mr. J." She laughed and started to play with Edward's hair, "Mr. J, I think I got a new friend." She squealed and hugged Edward again.

"Why can't I kill all the bloody, mob dealers?" Joker asked and couldn't hide the disappointment in his voice.

"Well, Mr. J, they're not all mob dealers, we also got some friends!" She ran over to a barely clothed woman with flaming red hair and smiled. "Like Red, see, she came to help me find you. And Mr. Scarecrow!" she ran over to a spindly man wearing a burlap sack. He smiled at her, then looked over to the Joker and grimaced.

"Your Harley is quite the negotiator." He said and let his long sleeves run over his bony hands. "She promised if you where kidnapped then I could poison the whole lot." He reached a hand into his overflowing sleeve and pulled out a small can, roughly the size of a bottle of hair spray. "And it seems so."

"Umm. Mr. Crane, Scarecrow, I don't think that's too wise." Edward smiled and went into a deeper crouch in front of the clowns. His smile was not an amicable, happy go lucky one; he showed all his glistening teeth and leaned foreword.

"And why not?" The scarecrow asked and shook the can roughly. He sprayed the random mob member next to him. The dealer fell straight onto his face, crying and screaming about Basilisks. He kicked and struggled trying to get out of the glare of a giant, mythical snake that glimmered like the hallucination it was and sank into a deep hiss.

The Joker stepped backwards, bringing Harley with him. He laughed to show hide discomfort and started running backwards. Edward just walked up next to the scarecrow and kicked him in the gut.

"There." He said and walked over to where the clown couple where hiding in his Volvo.

The scarecrow staggered to his feet and opened the whole can of fear toxin into the air, poisoning every in close proximity.

"Crap!" Edward yelled and darted into the safety of the Volvo. He slammed the keys into the ignition and revved it angrily. Most of the dealers crawled away and Edward darted the car right into where the scarecrow was complaining on the ground.

"Hit him. Hit him!" The Joker chanted and it seemed for a second that Edward did. Harley Quinn looked out the back window and laughed.

"You missed him." Harley squealed. She really didn't want the Scarecrow to be road pizza.

"Yeah well, I guess I couldn't really hit him."

"Yes you could of, he was right there!" the Joker sighed.

"Edward tell me, do you know how to work a bazooka?" Harley asked and lifted a giant gun from the back seat.

"Where did you get _that_?" Edward laughed and nodded as he drove through the wall of gas and into the city limits.

"When I was having tea with Mr. Freeze a few nights ago, I stole it from his kitchen," Harely answered and rolled down the window. "See watch!" She squinted one eye, took aim, and blasted a tree into a minature ice age. She took aim again, and made mailbox, house, puppy, old lady, and a hobo into ice sculptures. She let out a squeal of laughter and continued making the street into an ice rink.

"So tell me Bats, where are we going?" The Joker asked and starred out the window at the familiar scenery.

"Gotham. But more importantly, your hideout!" Edward laughed and pointed ahead at a clown shaped building.

_Author's Note: Thank you all for reviewing I wish I could give you all a really big piece of chocolate and some gummy bears!_

_Tell me how you like it!_


	5. Google Earth Sucks

Chapter 5 Google Earth Sucks!

"How do you know where our head quarter is?" The Joker asked and stomped his foot. If a vampire could find out where he lived then it would be exploited all over the world. Commissioner Gordon would just be looking for some hair gel and fall upon him taking a shower!

"Google Earth," Edward stated and taped his head. "If it wasn't so dang annoying it'd get Alice to hack it off the internet. Unfortunately though, the little pixie likes to look for shopping stores." Edward shook his head.

"Who's Alice, shopping?!" Harley asked and her eyes exploded with delight.

"Yeah, here," Edward took a small picture frame from inside the dashboard and handed it back to Harley in the back seat. "Alice is the short one with black hair."

"Who tried to rip our heads off," The Joker added.

Harley laughed at the idea of the tiny, beautiful women ripping her Mr. J's head off. At most she could give him a bloody nose, maybe if Mr. J was conked out on the floor from poisoning or something, but she didn't look like she could or would threaten as much as a fly.

"You almost got you head ripped off by a girl!" Harley squealed and studied the picture more carefully.

"She's no fairy princess, even if we do call her that, look at the picture underneath that one." Harley flipped the page over to find the same girl tackling a taller one with blonde hair with a look of delight on his face. Alice was on top of him, punching his gut with as much force as it looked like she could muster.

"Who is she tackling?" Harley asked.

"My brother, her husband, Jasper. He told her that it was Sunday and the mall was closed."

"Ah," Harley said, "I want to see more, got any more pictures?"

"Yeah," Edward answered and went back into the glove department. The Joker looked in it too, like he was afraid of the road, probably do to the fact that they had now hit a hundred and fifty and the vampire wasn't even looking at the street. Edward came out with a huge, heavy, leather-bound book. "Here, our family pictures, I swear that pixie always keeps us prepared."

Harley accepted the book and opened the first page. "Ooooh, who's this?" she asked.

"Why don't I just show you inside?" Edward asked and he parked skillfully into a sudden parallel park in front of the clown shaped house. The Joker got out, slammed the door, and ran inside. Harley was so into the pictures that Edward got out and carried her in.

On the outside, the H.Q appeared to be an old joke shop, which it probably was until the Joker stole it. Colorful clowns where painted around the sides of it and the whole thing had the feel of a jack in the box.

On the inside however, it looked like _War of the Worlds _met _Killer Clowns From Outer Space_. A décor of military planes with pink smiley faces on them, and giant roles of cotton candy and swing sets matched the walls.

"Wow." Edward said.

"Yeah, yeah, it's all great," The Joker said and sat down in one of the plane's cock pit.

"So Edward, this one is Jasper and this one is Alice?" Harley asked and pointed to two figures on a picture, "Then who are all these?"

"Rosalie is the blonde girl she's my sister, her husband, my brother is right next to her. Carlisle, my dad, for all purposes at least, and his wife Esme is right there." He pointed toward another couple. "And that's me all the way back there." Edward said.

"Why are you on a swing set?" Harley asked and looked over her shoulder to where her own set was.

Edward shrugged his shoulders, "I was kind of bored and I couldn't stand being in a photo with all the, 'happy couples'."

"What where you doing on the swing set though, it looks like you're upside down." Harley pointed at her swings. "Could you show me how you did that?"

"Sure," Edward said and ran over to the swings. He placed her a few feet away the sat down, and kicked off. With one great swish he did a full 360 over the bars, landing on top of the sets in a hand stand. "See?"

Harley beamed. "That was so cool, do another trick!"

The Joker sighed and started shooting boxes of candy hearts. They exploded by the force of the planes bullets and gooey sayings came down on the sad clown.

_Love!_

_Hugs and Kisses_

_Smile_

_Harley Quinn, _well actually now he was imagining things. This was terrible, he was back in Gotham with nothing to do, and a vampire was playing with _his _Harley, it wasn't fair!

There was the short crash of metal as the swing set broke and Harley flew into the air. She gasped in horror as she flew, but Edward just laughed. He ran a few feet ahead in vampire speed and caught her before she landed on the ground. Harley squeaked with happiness and laughed loudly.

"Umm… I think I broke my swing set Mr. J." Harley sang.

"And what do you want _me _to do about it?" The Joker asked.

"Well, I was just thinking that the Penguin had a lot of swing sets for his birdies and we could go and _steal _one." Harley cooed.

"Fine by me!" The Joker laughed and jumped out of the plane, his happiness reenergized by the word steal.

Authors note: I hope you all are filled with happiness! I'd just like to thank all my reviewers for their awesomeness! Just so you know, Killer Clowns from Space is actually a real movie, yes I unfortunately own it. This is for Cheesethecat28 for her reviewing and awesomeness!

I suggest you all read Cheesethecat28's story

'The Cullens go to camp!'

Thank you! 


	6. Saints of Homicide

Chapter 6 Saint of Homicides

"Is that really his hideout? That sucks; I've seen better camouflage from a can of baked beans. An aviary? You got to be kidding me!" The Joker sighed and sank into his chair.

"Hey, baked bean are hard to find," Harley muttered to herself and her stomach growled. Edward looked back at her in the review mirror and smiled, _time to feed the human! _

Edward had parked the car in front of the National Zoo of Gotham. A large place where shadows played hopscotch in the dark. And dark was here, bring on the chalk and singing. If you looked hard enough, or was a vampire, you could see the bright lights and if you were super human, you could hear the click of beaks and squeals of angry owls getting rowdy.

The zoo wasn't exactly huge, or small, more like what you'd have if a small tithe of your income came from men who had two faces. Lions, tigers, bears, maybe even a face eating ant eater if you looked hard enough. Elephants stampeded Kangaroos sleep jumped, (if that's even possible) and possums where as ugly as usual.

The only really amazing thing was the aviary, which was now taken over by a stout man in a fresh suit and an umbrella that defied all laws of gravity. The Penguin had taken over the habitat. Why?

"Do you even have to ask?" The Joker asked when Edward questioned him.

"Oh," Edward answered, realizing that the Penguin's favorite place was wherever the animals pooped on your car. Penguins, penguins where in the aviary, and stealing the use of all the birds from all other people. Really though, who wanted a giant bird that wouldn't think twice about eating for face off for making fun of its name. Life with things that would rather kill you then have a decent conversation was the Joker's specialty, they where so easy to understand!

"Now," The Joker said as he got out of the car, and followed Edward toward the locked gates. "The penguin, he's a pathetic midget who indulges on the misery of other people and the enjoyment of all things that poo white." The Joker laughed and nimbly threshed himself up and over the gate like an award winning pole-vaulter.

Harley could have climbed, but being pathetic was a little too much fun. She shook her pixie shaped shoes out so they looked unfit for climbing and fixed her checker board clown suit so it looked like the last thing she should do was walk any amount of space. She looked down at her feet and tried the best Lou and Bud puppy faces she could muster.

"Um, Harley, do you need help getting over?" Edward asked in the middle of a heroic pounce over the gate.

"Maybe." Harley answered.

"Get your vampire butt over here, NOW!" The Joker screamed from the midst of the zoo. Edward took Harley onto his back and jumped over the gate in a single leap. Harley seamed unafraid of running with a vampire, if fact she had probably been next to worse people before; hooker twins, an evil scientist trying to bring back his diseased wife, a women who wore so little clothing that she looked like the plants she took care of, and a man who dressed in a humming suit and loved to knock himself silly until someone got pissed and turned off the light and threw a copy of People's magazine at him, just to name a few.

Edward followed the Joker's scent all the way to where he was, inside of the lion's cage poking an angry cat in the nose with a stick.

"Mr. J, what the hell do you think you're doing that to the kitty for?" Harley asked, jumping off of Edward's back and into the fence keeping her from the angry lions. The lion looked at the Joker as if to say, 'you know what, screw you, I'm gonna eat your face off now!' As if to prove it's point he lion took a swipe at the Joker with one of its massive paws. The Joker laughed and ducked back.

"Its fine, no more vicious then Lou and Bud- run Har go!" The lion had danced one move to close to its laughing prey and got a mouthful of purple suit. The Joker was locked against the wall of the habitat with a gagging lion barfing up suit one side and a furious lion thirsty for a hysterically laughing clown.

"Holy crap Joker, what's wrong with you?" Edward asked and stepped into the lion's cage with Harley on his back. Harley wouldn't let him go alone, after all, she may be small but she had a punch with more force then most people, enough to disturb the lion, or give it a morbid look at clowns, either way, it hurt.

"Mr. J, come over here now!" Harley commanded and tried to wave the lions away by throwing rocks at them. The lion with the mouthful of a purple suit hairball stepped back and growled, and the second took it's stance against the first.

Edward ran up to the Joker, threw him in his arms in a fireman's lift and punted the lion in the chest, not enough to kill it, just to give it a taste of Nike's shoes in his mouth. The lion grunted and fell down and began to be almost as pathetic as Harley. The second lion used the first as a scapegoat and got his tail out of there. Not much unlike the Joker in fact.

"Well that was fun!" The Joker cheered once Edward had gotten out of the lion's den and set him and Harley down.

"Let's do it again, there are ligers up ahead!" Harley encouraged.

"I was under the impression you wanted a new swing set." Edward said and pointed ahead at the upcoming giant bird cage.

"Well yeah I guess so." Harley laughed and muttered something about hyenas. "Lou and Bud, they're probally mad at me, I haven't seen them all day."

"Then we'd better hurry." Edward suggested and they took out at a run toward the Penguin's latest hide out.

It now became apparent why no one was afraid of the Penguin. The aviary was filled with blocks of ice furniture suitable for the average self-conscious penguin, and fluffy pink and purple poke dotted carpet. A monstrosity of a fountain filled the middle of the building that housed a home for a few thousand penguins. I large leopard spotted writing chair sat in the middle looking out at the flightless birds and billows of smoke from a pipe grew out in rings from it.

The three had gone a step in side when the vulture took out it's feeling with a large RAAAAWWWWRRR!!!! And the parrot squawked a loud-

"Intruder Intruder, Super fudge delivery, nada, just some Intruders, get your self up!"

"Shoot." The Joker mumbled and since his cover was blown, skipped into the room, hand in hand with Harley. A stout man with a huge top hat, thin black hair, and the body of the classic penguin stumbled out of his chair and squeaked. His face ran clammy and the hiss of his breath was furious. He took an umbrella with a large garnished bird atop it, and bounced it menacingly in his hands.

"Joker? God, I thought you had died. Me and Freeze partied for days, best days of our lives it was." He spoke in an old English accent and his voice was coated with a grunt of lethargy.

"Yeah, ain't the world just great, you lose one master mind and you come back with two?"

"There's two of you know, Why, did you have a baby or did you just sproat a second ass?"

"No, no crackle pot, I just picked up a little friend." The Joker answered.

"And this would be, who, bloody Saint Jimmy?"

"Course not; he's a cold blooded murderer."

"So, more like the bloody Saint of Homicide?"

"No, he'd not a saint, he's pale as a ghost, strong as five million elephants and-"

"Are you selling a freaking Sham Wow?" Edward boomed and stepped out into the view of the man-bird. "Five million _elephants?_ Am I like a child's toy now?"

"So, he's your come back now eh? He looks like a teenager who's been locked in a chamber for months and turned white like a goldfish." The penguin said.

"Yeah, I'm a regular albino goldfish aright." Edward answered and kicked the large pink chair so that it flew across the wall of the aviary. It broke into a million pieces and fell with deadly potential onto the ground, leaving a huge hole in the wall the size of a minivan and a bunch of splinters.

The penguin stuttered and gasped. "That was MY chair. What the bloody hell did you do that for? What am I supposed to sit on now, a beloved penguin?"

"Well maybe." Harley laughed and danced to the wreckage, inspecting the pile of splinters on the floor with great interest and then sitting down on her desired swing set. It was huge, eight seats, and enough to fit a few ostriches and teach them how to fall on their faces. And best yet, green and purple stripes, the world just got better and better.

"That's a good one Harley!" The Joker called and sat down on the swing set with her. "Well, it looks like we got a good one, Edward; you can just load this up."

Surprised that the Joker had actually used his name instead of an obnoxious nickname, Edward looked eager to please his friends. Well, the bunch of harlequins that used him for saving their skins, eh, either way. "Sure, sure, one small problem, are you going to stop us?" He looked at the Penguin who took his umbrella in his hands like a gun and squinted one eye.

"Of course I am. Get out of the way, I wanta blast these two into nonexistence." Edward's irises turned a deep black and he took the umbrella in one hand and twisted it into a neat spiral. "What the?" The penguin asked as the gun-umbrella backfired and he fell unconscious onto the floor.

"Oops," Edward said and went to grab the swing set. He took it in both arms and totted it to the car with Harley swinging joyously on it. The Joker had better ideas however. He went over to the penguin, flipped him over on his back and stuck one hand into the penguin's nose, the other, straight down his pants.

"I wonder if he'll notice it when he wakes up." The Joker mused and ran out of the aviary.

Author's Note: Well here you go! It's all out and really long, I just had a sudden idea of knocking down some villain's doors! Just so you know, Harley Quinn is not going to be Edward's lover, sorry but that would give me nightmares, eeekkkk!!!! And so you're not confused, Harley Quinn is a play on Harlequin the word for clown, those weird comic book writer masterminds!

*Cheesethecat28* (Happy faces!!!!!)

Thanks everyone including the awesome person listed above, three cheers for loving reviewers!


	7. People are OFF limits

Chapter 6 People are off limits

"Lou, Bud! Mommy's home!"

Harley ran into their hideout with a bag of thirty pounds of raw hamburger, courtesy of the Joker's sneaky hand and some pretty clueless workers. Harley was sure that her hyenas would be mad, she hadn't seen them in hours, they would be skin and a couple of teeth from starvation according to her.

Lou and Bud ran into the room and rammed Harley into the wall in a desperate attempt to lick every single inch of her before she moved again. Their fur was brown with black spots running down their spine. Almost every inch of them read CUDDLE ME and it looked like they were spoiled to the point of house cats.

As it turned out, they were not skin and teeth. In Harley's absence they had eaten the stuffing out of the couch, killed a clock, and stolen every single can of ketchup, fried beans, and even okra out of the cabinet. The ridge doors were open, leaving every half eaten can of Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Therapy to go to waste.

"Noooooooo." The Joker yelled and banged his fist on the counter. "They ate my food, I swear, Harley."

"Sorry Mr., they didn't mean it, they were just hungry, I'll make something, at least all this hamburger won't go to waste." Harley sighed and placed the thirty pound meat bag onto the small secluded kitchen in the left wing of the hide out. Edward ran into the room and helped her take the meat out. Lou and Bud barked but Harley ushered them out of the room.

"I don't want any of that!" The Joker yelled and stampeded out of the room into the main hall where it he took out an over sized bazooka and started tinkering.

"Fine, Mr. J but you know you'll want some of it later." Harley called out into door and settled back into the kitchen where Edward was looking for cooking utensils.

"Don't you have any pots, or pans, or _spoons_?"

"Sure, sure, they're in here," Harley opened a small cabinet door and pulled out a grimy pot that couldn't even cook a cherry. A hissing coackroach crawled out of it and jumped to the floor, soon to be stepped on by Edward's sneaker.

"Eh, got anything else? I'm pretty sure the Joker wouldn't like it if we gave him food poisoning."

"Maybe, you never can tell with him." Harley shook her head and starred off into space for a minute to imagine a world where the Joker would actually eat what he was told instead of feeding it to the hyenas. Imagine the Joker eating carrots and apples, instead of sour gummy worms! It was a scary world.

"How about this one?" Harley asked and took a slightly larger pan from the cabinet. " It's the last thing we got,"

"You are aware that that pan has a dead rat in it, aren't you?" Edward asked and took the pan from Harley and chucked it out the open window.

"Well, that's the last of the pots. We don't have any spoons or anythin' 'cause Mr. J was throwing them at the scarecrow for target practice when he was unconscious the other night in the hall. Well, Mr. Scarecrow just took them when he woke up and burned them in a fiery pit somewhere, well at least that's what he said he'd do, I'm not sure with him, he's just mean."

"I doubt that he would do that, I'm pretty sure that he just fed them to one of his lab rats he was having an affair with or something," Edward took the meat and stuffed it into the empty refrigerator since it was starting to turn green from sitting out too long.

"Well, a can of faba beans survived," Harley said and picked a dented can off of the floor.

"Yeah, okay, I'm going to eat some of your beans am I? On one condition, find me a flute player and sauté him. Scrumptious!" The Joker yelled from the other room

"Sorry, Mr.J, people are off the menu."

Edward grimaced and Harley laughed.

"I got an idea Har. You know who would have a lot of pots?"The Joker asked.

"No clue Mr. J," Quinn answered.

"How about our old friend spooky?"

Author's not: Well, here you go! Thanks cheesethecat28.

You all rock!


	8. Kitchen Police

Chapter 8 Kitchen Police

"Spooky?" Edward asked as the Joker walked into the kitchen with his bazooka over his shoulder in a fireman's lift.

"No! Not him! He's goin' to really mad at us anyways. I don't want another price on our heads." Harley wined and stomped her foot.

"Har, does it look like one more death wish would kill us?" Joker asked and started counting off his fingers. "I doubt that if the EPA, FBI, President himself, and the Library police couldn't find us then we'll be okay with stealing some of the Scarecrow's silverware."

"Library police?" Edward questioned, "Why do the _library _police need you, did you stab _The Origin of Species _or something?"

"Nah, more like _IT_" The Joker scoffed, "He thinks he's so tough."

"Okay then," Edward sighed.

The Joker just kept on mumbling gibberish. "He's so spooky, I'll show him! Scaring what? People who fear clowns, and cars? I don't even think that there are phobias for that. I've been scaring you since the '50's beat that!"

"That isn't helping Mr. J" Harley moaned and sat down on the floor, massaging her rumbling stomach.

"Oh, sorry Harley." Joker sighed and took Harley's hand, lifting her up into his arms.

"So, we are going to steal the Scarecrow's silverware?" Edward asked.

"Yeah!" Joker yelled and ran out into the hallway, Harley screaming the whole way as he accidentally dropped her and tripped. The Joker flew past the cowering figure of the harlequin and whacked his head off the ground, cracking several other points in his body as he flew like a pinball through the warehouse. He finally landed on his back, laughing the whole way.

Harley stood up and faltered a step back, where Edward caught her.

"Mr.J!" she squeaked and ran over to where the Joker was sitting and rubbing his head vigorously.

"It's nothing." The Joker complained and stood up.

"You _dropped _me!" Harley argued and stomped out of the room, slamming the door of the HQ behind her. The sound of an engine revving angerly threatened and a horn beeped a short rhythm.

"Oops." The Joker said and he ran out of the headquarters, mumbling about over reactive clowns.

Edward dashed out of the warehouse too, but with a jacket over his head to prevent the newly formed after-noon sun to curse him into sparkling. He jumped into the backseat in a Bond-like fashion and slammed the door roughly behind him.

"I want to drive," the Joker complained and tried to steal the keys from the ignition. Harley just growled and started down the street.

"Do you know where the Scarecrow is livin' these days?" She asked out loud.

The Joker looked into the backseat as if expecting the answer to materialism in the form of an angelic Email from the trunk.

"Ninety- second on Main Street," Edward shot from the back seat.

"'Kay, here we go then." Harley squealed and took a tire-squealing left turn that left them momentarily on two wheels instead of four.

Main Street itself looked like it was raised in the Renaissance period and hadn't been resurrected since the Polk Presidency. Lights where hidden in small corners, cowering like a group of small fishes in an aquarium of sharks. Street lamps where either robbed of their light bulbs or hit by a drug dealer in their mad dash to smuggle a few pounds of heroin out of the area before the shock of some other dealers ran out in the form of bullets from lack of pot.

There where no businesses, other then illegal drugs, or playgrounds or schools. Only apartments or morgues littered the street. No bushes or signs of local greenery showed color, in fact, the only brightness came from the boas from the necks of prostitutes and drag queens.

"This is where he takes his living?" Edward asked skeptically, raising and eyebrow and shaking his head.

"Ninety-second." Harley said and stopped in front of a gray and mildew colored apartment. It had just one window and floor so it looked like a colony of ants had risen in superiority and decided to punish the people around the street by creating an obnoxious and hideously ugly ant-mound. Which it directly resembled.

The trio got out and stepped in front of the building.

"And how do you reckon we get inside?" Edward asked as the answered flowed into the Joker's mind.

_The window. Oh that's just bloody fantastic!_

Edward leaped lightly into the only window, a square framed glass poised in the middle of the front house, and right above the door. Harley jumped off of his back and into the darkened room. Edward looked out the window at the Joker and offered to bring him up.

"No thanks spider-vamp. I'm doing this right and proper. Evil villains don't need elaborate jumps and open windows. They need hard heads and a few sticks of dynamite."

The Joker took a step back and slammed into the door, knocking it right off the hinges. He slipped into the den and sneaked into the kitchen.

"If you where going to do that, then why did Harley and me bother being quiet?" Edward asked as he and Harley slipped into the same room. The Joker shrugged and opened the cabinet, pulling out a few pans.

"What the hell do you think you're doing clown?"

The three's heads all shot around to the sound of the noise and the same thought burst into all their minds at the same time- We are dead.

The scarecrow stepped through the frame of the door and he slapped the Joker's hand away from his cabinet. Spooky himself wasn't the greatest fighter, his arms and legs where abnormally stretched out and his body followed suit. His ginger hair was short but the burlap sack in his hands was brown and stitched and followed the rules of the local Frankenstein.

"Hello Dr. Crane!" Harley cheered; her voice was strained with a mixture of melancholy and joy. "You aren't going to kill us, are you?"

"Perhaps not you child, but your clown boyfriend here has got to go." The Scarecrow said and he pulled up his sleeve to reveal a can of his own mixture of fear toxin.

They all moaned and the Scarecrow laughed.

"The thing is, that shouldn't you all of learned your lesson yet?" The Scarecrow noted and shook his head. "You all come in here, unprotected, and you expect me, the Master of Fear, to take pity on you?"

"Of course now, we where just popping in to say hi!" The Joker laughed and grabbed another pot into his already full hands.

"But, who is this?" The Scarecrow asked looking at Edward and smiling as he nonchalantly played with his mask.

"Edward Cullen," Edward growled.

"Well, well, it looks like we got a rogue albino on our hands." The Scarecrow muttered while he slid the sack over his head.

"No," The Joker moaned and he took Harley's hand and misted over to the door.

"Don't even think about it clown." The Scarecrow hissed and he ran over and slammed the door in the clown's face.

"You got to be kidding me Spooky. You'd honestly believe that I'd be that scared of your little experiments? Yeah, okay."

"It doesn't work on you." The Scarecrow muttered rather matter of factly. "But what about your little harlequin or your body guard?"

Edward hissed and the Joker laughed and started toying with the dozen pans in his hands. "Oh spooky, you're just a nerd."

The Scarecrow furrowed his eyebrows and slipped the canister off his arm. "And, you know what my laughing friend?" The scarecrow asked as he circled the joker like and angry shark.

"If there's no punch line, then I don't want to hear it!" The Joker yelled and punched the Scarecrow, straight in the bridge of the nose. The Scarecrow doubled over and dropped the toxin. The gas hit the ground and burst into thirds, releasing all it's contents into the air.

The Scarecrow straightened up and leaned against the sink, watching as the toxin spread throughout the room. The Joker flung open the door, dropping all his pots in the process and carried Harley out. Edward was too late; he tried to slip out of the room, but in the process of screaming to the clown couple to wait for him, inhaled the toxin.

Instantly it worked, the world temporarily spun and Edward clutched the frame of the door so hard that it broke off in a loud crunch and he slipped onto his knees. Everywhere blood covered his vision like a bad horror movie and he stumbled onto his feet but stuttered and fell back onto his front.

Dead bodies and blood, Carlisle's disappointing face. Edward crawled out of the room and flung himself out or the window, landing in the yard. Harley squealed and the Joker laughed.

"I'll give you about a three." The Joker chuckled.

"That'd be a ten, very graceful Edward." Harley said as she took his left hand and tried to drag him to the Volvo. "Help me here Mr. J!"

The Joker grabbed Edward's other arm and they dragged him to the car. "Be more careful Mr. J" Harley squealed as the Joker dropped his weight and Edward crashed back onto the ground. After the Joker had dropped Edward in every piece of gum on the street, they had Edward laying down in the back seat moaning about the blood and Harley and the Joker flying down the road. Edward thrashed and turned, ripping the upholstery apart as he scratched in his desperation to get the picture of the dead from his head.

"Well that was useless, I'm still hungry!" The Joker grumbled.

"What about Edward? He's in pain, or somethin' back there, I can't tell, but he looks like he's drowning."

"I wonder if Super Walmart is still open," The Joker pondered.

"I wonder what he's seeing," Harley said.

"What about that pizza place?"

"Blood? Is that what he just said?"

"I'm thinking some Chinese food myself."

"So blood and Carlisle, that's just great."

"Harley, Joker, what's going on?" Edward mumbled as the Joker took a sharp turn and parked.

"No Mr.J, we can't just leave Edward!" Harley hissed.

"Well I'm going to McDonalds and your coming and we're eating hamburgers." The Joker argued, pulling Harley into the car.

"I see dead people." Edward groaned as Harley shut the door.

"And I see sandwiches," The Joker laughed. "See you later; I hope that _Sixth Sense _rubs off soon."

Author's Note: Thank you everyone. Sorry this chapter took so long I was busy with my various tomfooleries. I hope you all liked it!


	9. French Fries and Fire Flies

Chapter 9 French fries and Fire Flies

"I want fifty hamburgers, a large French fry, some super Coke, and some Chicken Nuggets!" The Joker demanded and grabbed the cashier to get him his 'damn food'.

"Hey, I love your jacket? Purple and green, totally in man? Oh by the way, I love your hair?" She pointed to his blood stained mop. "Oh, and that'll be ninety nine dollars and ninety seven cense?" the women said and backed away a few steps, knowing who the customer was, murder record including. The Joker couldn't feel sorry with this women's improper use of a question mark, asking every statement in question form.

"I haven't got any money, just give me my hamburgers!" The Joker screeched like a six year old and threw a tantrum, right there on the floor. The teenager-clerk grabbed the inner come and shouted for the cooks in the bake faster or they'd know pain. The cooks looked up and started throwing random foods into eight bags.

"Now!" Harley added.

"We're sorry for the wait, Mr. Joker, sir," The girl clerk said and thrust the food into his hands.

"Fine by me," The Joker yelled, stuffing a whole hamburger into his mouth with one bite. They had gotten to the car where they found an elderly woman with a pink dyed poodle peeing on the car.

Then, the Joker made the worst decision of his life: He kicked the poodle. Yes, you're all gasping in shock, I know.

The dog lashed out and the old lady fell over with the dog's force, leaving her on the ground, her rhinestone-covered cane lying next to her. The Joker took a burger out of his bag and started snacking, the poodle went crazy. Harley took out a fistful of fries and thrust them into her mouth.

"Young whippersnappers," The old lady got up and dusted off her pink dress. Seeing that the two staring at her where neither 'young' or 'whippersnappers' she did the best thing an old women can do, hit you over the head with the cane.

"Take this you two animal hurters" she said, beating the clowns over the head each time with each word. The two ducked and the Joker threw the rest of his burger as hard as he could at the edge of the parking lot. The poodle took off and the old woman was dragged behind it, cursing the whole way.

The clowns ducked into the front seat and started the car, not even noticing that the backseat was missing their sparkling companion. The Joker hit the gas and they were off charging down the middle lane with as much care and caution as jumpers.

"Who loves McDonalds?" Harley sang in a cheerleader-like fashion, using two buns as pompoms.

"We do. We do!" The Joker laughed, thrusting another amount of gut wrenching food into his mouth and swallowing it with the look of glee on his face.

"Who just escaped a mean old scarecrow?"

"We did, we did!"

"Who just ate a whole Hamburg in a single bite?"

"We did we did!"

"Who thinks McDonalds should sell beer instead of coke?"

"College kids, college kids" The Joker chanted.

"Who beat up and old lady?"

"Us, Us!"

And Harley didn't run out of her chants until she looked into the backseat nonchalantly to find that Edward wasn't there. She gasped and the Joker laughed.

"Who doesn't have their favorite albino?" He laughed and slammed onto the breaks. Harley flew foreword and a being hit the seats with as much force as a charging rhino.

"Shit!" Edward moaned and rolled over onto his stomach, clutching his body and shaking his head like he had just seen the World's Ugliest Dog for the first time in his existence.

"You okay back there Trunk-Dweller?" Harley asked and jumped out of the car and unlocked the trunk. Edward stumbled out and lay against the hood of the car.

"I hope so or at least I think so. Is that old lady with no head still walking around?"

"No, The Joker kicked her puppy and she ran away."

"That's exciting," Edward moaned and opened the back door and hopping inside of it. "I just looked out the window and a woman with no head, just a bloody stump, and a dog peeing blood for no reason what so ever was looking at me. I ran out and hid in the trunk."

"I'm sorry," Harley muttered as the Joker started driving again, hitting every mailbox with an extendable shoe on a string that sprung out with the power of Rockey's fist.

"Boo-hoo," The Joker said and smacked his lips in desperation and irritation as he swerved out of the way of an upcoming semi-truck.

The clown swiftly parked in front of a 'no parking sign between 8:00 Am and 3:00PM' right now it was around eight at night. Defiantly no parking, but that was a little flaw when you where currently living with a maniac.

"Where are we?" Harley asked and the Joker cursed.

"We're at Barnes Noble, and we're going shopping" The Joker screeched.

"Yeah, I'm still high on fear toxin," Edward mumbled and banged his head off the window. "Wake up, wake up, WAKE UP!"

Author's Note:  :{o yeah, there you go.

I'd just like to thank, the anomynous reviewer named

'This is shit'

Because I feel sorry for them and hope that their mother was at least sober when she named them.


	10. Walter the Farting dog

Chapter 10 Walter the Farting Dog

"No," Harley moaned like she was forced to read off a dead man's chest. She struggled against her seatbelt and took a deep drift of air through her nose before pounding on the steering wheel. The Joker just laughed and slammed the door open, hitting it off a red Jaguar next to them.

"Joker, are you drunk? Man, maybe those college kids did get McDonalds to serve beer instead of Coke. I can't smell any thing out of place on him." Blood, sweat, and greasy food, which was all the Joker consisted of.

"Shut up! I'm not drunk, high, or drowned in my chicken soup!"

"What?" Harley asked and stopped a minute under the Barnes Noble's red lights to ponder the possibility.

"Stupid buggering bug," The Joker sighed and took a deep breath so fulfilling it looked like he was set to the death penalty.

"What's the matter puddin'?"

The Joker didn't even turn around to make sure that it really was Harley's voice calling him pudding and that Edward hadn't gotten a weird urge for dessert. Harley sighed and followed the Joker as he stepped inside of the book store and ran off to the Fiction section.

The Prince of Laughs just kept running until he grabbed a small fresh copy of 'Walter the Farting Dog' and popped onto one of the leather couches, bleached blonde to fit the surrounding walls.

"Oh my God. This is the best book I have ever read. I think it is bloody FANTASTIC! Everyone should read 'WALTER THE FARTING DOG!'" The Joker spoke loud and slow like he was a talk show host reading from a score-card. He opened the book cursing as he feinted reading the words and nodding his head like it was the most educational and understanding book in the world.

Harley and Edward settled into the wall and Edward whispered, "Who's the Firefly?" Harley stomped her foot and shook her head like a twister.

"The bug," She cried, looking up like she said the word in the dirtiest language and was going to be smote by lighting. She pointed toward the ceiling and her hand shook with anger. "He's here somewhere, somewhere on the roof!"

"The roof?" Edward asked and he smothered his ears with his hands as he took a step back and landed on one of the couches. "Is there a giant mosquito in this room or has a bee and Godzilla had a love child?"

The Joker looked up from Walter's immense gas and stomped his feet angrily, laughing like a maniac. Edward looked up to find a medium builded suit crawling across the ceiling like a natural spider-pig. It was half purple in it's tightly sculpted suit, which followed down to the green felt wrapped tightly around him like a pair of panty hose.

The annoying cicada noise was coming from a close bundle of nitrogen gasses tied around his waist, which he modeled, always having it swiftly in view like it was the latest fashion on Paris.

The Furry man scaled the ceiling in less then a few seconds and in a blink of an eye, was laying next to the Joker on the couch with a book titled, 'Jokes for Dummies'.

"So, I'm guessing this is where you get those jokes from huh." The firefly's voice was light, barley anything older then one of a teenager. The fly himself wasn't as tall as was expected by evildoers and his age matched what his voice suggested. He lifted up the book and threw it on the floor, kicking it so it slid across the floor and pounded against the book case with a loud thud.

Edward growled but Harley took the worst action. She slipped into the view of both her jokester, and the bug that just happed to of stolen his color choices.

"I've seen more people laugh in a cemetery." She threw the Firefly's legs off the couch and sat down on her pudding's lap. "Could you please tell me what the bug has done to you Mr. J, so we could get out of here? I'd rather massage a sumo wrestler's back then listen to this freak make another peep."

"Oh, I'm the freak?" The Firefly asked and Harley and The Joker nodded.

"Let's see, your wearing a suit so tight it looks like a cocoon, I'm pretty sure tight clothing is only for teenage girls and people who would rather not breath. Two,"

"You've got that buzzing? I mean, what the Hell, was your mother Mothman or something?" Harley added.

"And three, is your ass on fire, or are you just happy to see us?" Edward asked and the Firefly cursed.

"I'm the Firefly, shit, is everyone just this stupid or am I just lucky to have such damn stupid surroundings?" His vulgar language rang through the door and as an ancient librarian popped in and shushed, spittle flying all over the Firefly's Spartan-like mask.

"Get out of here!" The fly yelled and the old women strut out of the circle screaming,

"911, we got villains in my building get em' OUT!"

The Firefly jumped out of his seat and grabbed the wall, scaling it again like a lizard before sitting on one of the wooden beams.

"I take it you still want your toys, don't you?" He asked as the Joker stood up and took the Rocky-Hand, he had been using earlier to beat up mail boxes. He took the wooden handle and shot the red-fisted glove up toward the ceiling. It hit one beam, leaving a loud crash and the bug was instantly on another.

"He's got my weapons, my bombs, chicken, everything." The Joker moaned as he shot it again, destroying another beam as the fly skipped onto another beam.

"Chicken? What like _rubber_?"

Harley seemed thoroughly entertained and she sat down on the couch next to Edward, with her arms wrapped around her legs and her head resting on her knees. She watched carefully as beam after beam was broken and the edifice of a ceiling slowly crumbled. She laughed.

"I swear he's got the best aim. You should see him when he's bored; he lies on the couch and hits fruit flies out of the air."

Edward nodded. "I could believe that," He laughed as the Joker slammed the fist into the Firefly who fell down onto the ground unconscious.

"Mr. Chicken!" Harley cheered as a live purple chicken with a grin stretching from eye to eye walked out of a sack on the bug's back. It chuckled as it spit green and pink goo from its mouth and squawked the National Anthem.

The Joker picked up the chicken and stuffed it under his arm like a football as police sirens singled out in the back ground.

"I think it's time we got going." He laughed as he took the rest of the killer-devices on the bug's back and stuffed them into his pocket.

"Unless you want to visit Arkham." The Joker shouted over his shoulder as he ran toward the back door.

"Not today!" Harley and Edward cheered as they ran out of the building and one of the police stepped in the chicken's goo and instantly turning into a canary.

Authors Note: First of all, just in case you didn't know, the firefly is not actually furry. The 'Furry' I was referring to is this weird cult or group thing full of people who dress up as animals and pounce around like freaks. Just so you know! And 'Walter the Farting Dog' is actually a real book. I unfortunately have seen it.

Thanks for reading and leave a note telling how you thought this was.

Any Questions or suggestions? Ask in a form of a review and I will answer them!


	11. Monumental Meltdown

Chapter 11 Monumental Meltdown

"Mister J, we have got a monumental breakdown happening in the kitchen right now!" Harley wined and stomped her foot. She twitched like Paris Hilton's newly adopted Chihuahua and squealed like that sed actress when she actually heard footsteps coming from the hall.

"Mister- oh, hi Edward," Harley squealed as Edward dropped into the kitchen with two leashes in his hands and a mixed look of pity and excitement.

"You called Harley?" Edward asked as he threw the leashes down on the table and tried to pull some of the hyena's hair off of his sweater.

"It's nothing really, it's just that all my ice cream is melted. It's a major meltdown in the freezer… Aw…" Harley's voice sputtered out and died as she took a can of Ben and Jerry's ice cream from her freezer and stuck her hand into it. The foamy cream went up to her wrist and she pulled it out and sucked the suds off her fingers.

Edward walked over to the refrigerator and kicked it. The small humming of the motor sputtered and died and he sighed, it couldn't be that easy, nothing was ever that easy. A few crayon drawings of Batman being eaten and murdered by cotton candy fell off the refrigerator and Harley picked one up and laughed at her pumpkins handiwork. Edward opened the door to the freeze machine and pulled out a box of fudgesicles. He opened one of the silver packages and threw it into the sink as it spilled into a giant mess of muddy colored water and sugar.

The Popsicle stick from the unfrozen treat slipped threw the damaged and chipped drain and stuck with a sickening sound that's often referred to as 'he ate at Mario's last night'. This common phrase is as unpleasant as it is hilarious and Harley was sure to tune it into her known vocabulary so by the end of the day the Joker was walking around blindly in a bag she was sure he had stolen from an orphanage.

Harley leaned up against the table and toyed with the dog leashes and Edward pounded, kicked, cursed, and slapped like a girl, the sink.

"What's with the ropes?" She asked.

"I was trying to bond with Bud and Lou. But, um, to put it nicely, they don't like me much, not much at all." Edward turned around to show her a scratch mark on his back that nearly ripped his sweatshirt in half. He then pointed to his front that was completely coated with dog hair.

"Really? I haven't met with a single person they didn't like since Mo, that serial killer, you met him right? Well Bud bit him in a certain place and he hasn't walked the same since."

Edward nodded and turned his attention back to the farting sink. He slunk into the refrigerator, and pulled out a monumental container of butter. He put his hand into it, slid it around until his hand was a super-model's worst calorie-filled nightmare, then put it into the drain where he pulled out more then he bargained for.

By the time the minute had passed, he had pulled five live mice, three cans of Mountain Dew, some Spaghettios, the original popsicle stick, and a small mutated monster that looked like it had crawled into the sink years ago, died, been resurrected by the grimness, and sat on someone's dead body for a stylish couch. Edward now referred to the sink as 'Jaws' and threatened that if he had to stick his hand down that sink one more time he'd find a license plate and post it onto someone's face forever. That person would probably be the Joker.

Edward was sure that there was a dead body down there, he had felt something hairy and he was sure it wasn't as nice as that orange creature from Bugs Bunny.

The monster squirmed and earned to continue to the cocktail party it was having with the Hatter's mice on his dead human couch. Edward just tossed it out the window where it landed on a women's wig and began to crawl around her head.

Harley jumped up onto the counter and pulled off her jouster's hat to play casually with the sleigh bells.

"But, I want some ice cream." Harley whined and Edward jumped up onto the counter next to her and stood up so his head hit the ceiling. He felt along the ends of the kitchen ceiling lightly until he found what he was looking for. He knocked on a small thick spot in the floral wall paper, and the next thing Harley knew, he was gone.

"Edward? Where did you go?" she asked as she stood up the counter and ran over to where there was a man-sized vent in the side of the wall. Edward peeked out like a meerkat and pulled her in.

"Here, I knew there was something behind this wall, I just couldn't figure out what it led to. About how cold does it feel in here to you?" Edward asked as he shook a bit of dust and cobweb out of his hair and started down the air conditioning vent.

Harley bit her lip to stop her teeth from chattering. "Probably about negative fifty, but I may be exaggerating."

"Do you think this will be cold enough to store your goodies in?" Edward asked as he made a left turn around in the vent and ended up in the exact place where they had started.

"Defiantly. Wait, we got to show Mister J this, he'll be so proud."

Edward jumped out of the air conditioning and helped Harley down. Harley slipped into the hallway and Edward stood against the wall, knowing of course that in a few seconds a deranged clown would be raging through the kitchen like a light-blinded cockroach.

"Mister J, come in here now, we got something to show you!" Harley sang and slipped against the wall too, so she could listen to her idea of frantic footsteps of her favorite clown. The Joker though wasn't running, walking, or skipping. He hadn't even devolved into a small jawless fish and turned his legs into flippers as he scuttled into the tub. The Joker was to lazy, if he did devolve he would be a dead smiling Joker fish in a basket of fish and chips at Long John Silver's poisoning a bunch of annoying children who wonder, 'are you crazy? I said chocolate, not smiling fish! GET IT AWAY!'

Harley pondered for a second then yelled, "SPIDER!"

The sound of a zoo full of angry Pumas later, and the Joker was standing with the same oversized bazooka as he had been playing with before. He pulled back his messy hair and pulled his tie harder around his neck.

"Where?" he screamed and Harley pointed toward the vent.

"Now, Mister J, please don't hurt –"

But it was too late, the Joker took aim and shot the vent into a million pieces, leaving a gaping hole in the wall. Edward sighed, he didn't feel like putting the wall back together, especially piecemeal style, with a bottle of crazy glue.

"Mister J, you killed the wall, and the air conditioning!" Harley cried and she put her hands over her eyes like she was trying to erase the hideous picture from her eyes.

"No, I killed the spider." The Joker said indifferently as he sat down on the table and caressed the bazooka like a prized chicken. He blew the smoke coming from the mouth of the gun and smiled.

"But Mister J now we have no place to store our cold stuff. The freezer died and now you killed the vent, we are all going to die! Aww…" Harley sobbed and kicked a can of Vanilla ice cream, which opened and spit all over the already milk filled floor.

"But, you do know where we can get a new refrigerator for free. Right?"

"No clue Mr. J"

"Well it looks like we're taking a small trip to Mr. Freezes Lab," The Joker sang as he danced out the kitchen with his bazooka.

"Right behind you Mister J!" Harley skipped out the front door too.

Edward leaned against the sink for a second and was hit by a rectangular metal piece and a bumper. He cursed and picked it up, soon to find out that it was a license plate that read, "B eating U".

He ran out of the kitchen, away from the magical sink that could probably swallow a man whole. And a license plate that defied gravity and his dream of never being eaten by a killer sink.

Right now, his dream wasn't looking too good.

Author's Note: Sorry it took so long to come out, long story and all that. I feel bad for forgetting to thank CheesetheCat28, who should really update her stories. Please?

Please tell me how you liked it, I'm practically dieing for a review, I haven't had one in so long. Thank you for your kind words!


	12. Sharpies and Puppies

Chapter 12 Sharpies and puppies

"Mister J, _I _want to drive," Harley pouted as she looked out the window and saw the nearest phone pole go down in a tower of sparks and fire balls. Pigeons looked down at the silver car zooming underneath and added their comments in squawks and dive bombings that usually ended in explosives of Mythbuster's proportions and fried pigeon for the local hungry Gotham citizen.

These offer for free dead and zapped pigeons did not interest many, but the local hobos and visiting New Yorkers took the offer graciously. Just throw in a little Paprika, some pepper, Oregano, and people like Andrew Zinnom would sell it in a taco in the big apple. Street venders were rejoicing like nobody was watching, one even had their clothes strung around his neck like some bizarre lantern.

"Har, it's just like the 4th of July, remember when we blew up that hospital?"

"You blew up a hospital?! Where was I?"

"Oh, sorry Har, I think you were sleeping."

"I slept through you blowing up a hospital?" Harley whined.

"Yeah, it was big and expensive!" the Joker grinned.

"What did you do then?"

"I blew up Harvey Dent, and his fiancé, and then got some ice cream from the minimarket. Mmmm vanilla taste good. Next time we decide to rob an ice cream factory, make sure I get like fifty tubes of vanilla and chocolate."

"Then we can send some to Mr. Two Face, as a 'Sorry I blew up your one and only friend, and now you're hideously deformed, and everyone who looks at you has to wash out their eyes with soap because their heads have thrown up,' present. It could be chocolate and vanilla mixed together!"

"It'll be perfect." The Joker laughed.

"Can we send him a puppy?"

"What? No! The puppy will eat the ice cream silly clown." The laughter rejoiced again.

"What if we teach it to hate ice cream?"

"How?"

"We feed it ice cream with nuts!"

"Dogs love peanuts Harley."

"Do they love pistachios Mister J?"

"Probably not, nobody likes pistachios,"

"Okay Mister J, is that a maybe?"

"Sure. Now please be quite and play with the JokerChicken."

The joker threw the purple chicken from before into the backseat and Harley took it into the crook of her arm and started to sing to it. The chicken looked up at her and smiled a toothy grin. Half-way into the song the chicken screeched out its own chorus of Yankee Doodle. Harley yelled at it and smoothed down its feathers.

"Where are we even going?" Edward asked as he took down his Volvo's sun flaps from the top of the car and put them down so his face was hidden in the shadows. He turned a street left, reading the Joker's mind, and pulled down another shade on his window as the sun tried to reach him.

"Do you have obsessive compulsive order?" The Joker asked as Edward took a sharp illegal U-turn through upcoming traffic to narrowly miss the sun.

"No, and if anybody asks I have xeroderma pigmentosum," Edward sighed.

"How do you spell that?"

"X, E,-"

"Wait, you know what? From now one you're a freaky albino and nobody gives a damn."

"I can live with that."

"-_And the little spider came out the water spout!" _the chicken sang and Harley laughed as they sang children's nursery rhymes.

"You need a nice name, since you're going to be part of _my _family," Harley pondered for a second. "How about Tip?"

Edward pulled up to an old broken down freezer factory and got out, the sun was shaded here by a few dozen Weeping Willows. The Joker slid out too and opened the door for Harley and the chicken.

"The Chicken can't come." The Joker said sternly.

"Why not?"

"Because I said so."

"That's a stupid reason." Harley argued.

"But it's _my _reason," the Joker sighed as he turned away and started up the cobbled path to the factory.

Harley turned around blocking herself from view and stuffed the chicken into the top of her harlequin costume. The chicken quivered but didn't make a sound. Edward looked at her questionably but Harley made a shooing sound and started skipping up the path.

Edward reached the door first and ripped it off its hinges. The Joker had slipped in the window and there was a colossal bang as he landed on something that broke loudly.

"Mister J!" Harley cried as the joker staggered in with a four foot piece of glass sticking out of his leg.

"What's the matter pumpkin pie?"

"Why is there a huge piece of glass sticking out of your leg?" Edward asked.

"Oh, this? This is nothing." The Joker yanked the glass off and cracked it in half. It was safety glass and it spider-web cracked before shattering.

"Mister J why aren't you bleeding?"

"It's a joke, sheesh, for Christmas I'm going to have to steal you guys a gag book."

"Will it have whoopee cushions?" Harley asked.

"Put it on your list." The jokester promised.

"Come on I can hear someone laughing, and the purr of a refrigerator." Edward said.

"Someone put a cat in the fridge?" Harley cried out and ran foreword.

"Are you sure you're a doctor?" The Joker asked.

"I had a bachelor's degree." Harley assured him.

"Me too." Edward said. "Eh, it's possible I'm sure that they do in fact have a cat in their refrigerator."

"Okay then idiots, through here, Edward grab that big shiny purple one right there and throw it in the car."

They had stepped into a room completely full of refrigerators. Black, white, gray, green, blue, ones with stripes and poke dots, lined the walls of a huge room. In the center was a body-builder man with thick muscles and a blue head suspended in a jar that most likely came from a pickle factory. Mr. Freeze's head snapped toward the noise.

He stood up and crouched slightly in front of a florescent globe of glowing blue liquid with a pretty blonde suspended drunkenly in the middle of it. She was wearing a deep ocean-blue cocktail dress like there was a party going on in her world and everyone was invited. There were IVs stuck on her one arm and a small medical set up in the corner suggested that this globe was keeping the girl in her own sleepy state and not the sleepy state known as dead.

"What do you want?" The man in the cold machine asked.

"A refrigerator." The Joker cackled as Edward picked up a purple one and walked out of the doors with it nonchalantly.

Mr. Freeze took off the machine covering his face, rubbed his eyes and looked as Edward slammed the door behind him while juggling the purple fridge with one hand.

"Did I just see what I hope I didn't see?" The man asked as he rubbed his eyes again.

"He's a damned albino with magical powers." The Joker laughed as he walked up to the crystal globe and poked it. The body builder grabbed the joker's arm and threw him backwards.

"Do not touch my wife," he growled.

"What like this?" The joker had flown a good six feet; he got up and poked the globe again. This time a purple fingerprint stuck on the globe so when you looked at the Wonderland the purple smudge was on the blonde's chest. "Or like this?" Another dot on her chest.

"You swine!" Mr. Freeze screeched as he grabbed the Joker's neck and slammed him against the wall. He slid him up and down, chafing clown's suit.

Harley took one of the Sharpes Mr. Freeze had been using to draw a blueprint and opened the cap. Mr. Freeze didn't notice, he was to busy grinding the jokers face to the wall.

"Let's see here," Harley drew glasses, some crazy afro hair, wiggly arms, and a large, curly French mustache on the girl. "Ta-da!"

"What did you do?" Mr. Freeze asked as he dropped the Joker who landed on his face and smacked the pen out of Harley hand and grabbed her arm. Harley pouted.

"Don't touch me freak, Sharpe's permanent." Harley tried to get out of his grip. She grabbed the marker and tossed it to the joker who snatched it off the ground after it slipped from his hands, and started drawing more inappropriate parts on the globe. Mr. Freeze grabbed the joker's hand too. Harley took her free hand and put it to her mouth, and whistled as loud as she could. The chicken burst out of the back of her suit and pecked the giant globe.

Everything for a second was a wintry wonderland. Harley and the Joker would be setting up a Christmas tree on rockets if they had been warned. The white, overpowering liquid filled the room, and the three were left temporarily frozen in spot, suspended a few inches off the ground, while trying to spit the sweet taste of antifreeze and beer out of their mouths.

The double doors were pushed open, and all the water was pushed out onto the upcoming traffic and unexpected cursing people who were now having a hell of a day. Edward's voice could be heard from outside, he gurgled, cursed, and ran up to the factory with a look of shock on his face.

"Joker! Harley, why is a chicken on your head, and damn it, why is there a half dead girl floating by me?"

The blue girl floated past into upcoming traffic whose occupants weren't now having a bad day; they were probably going to do unexpected, unnatural things in their pants, which would later have to be burned in a volcano because they were so smelly.

"Nora!" Mr. Freeze yelled as he ran out into traffic and slipped onto his wife. They both floated into the local pond known as 'that stinky thing we keep around because we're too lazy too fill it in'. That's its actually name. You can look it up.

"Shall we go to jail?" The Joker asked as he started booking it to the Volvo and slammed the keys into the ignition.

Harley picked up her chicken whose head was bobbing like a Drinking Bird's on Cocaine. "If you leave without us so help me, I will kill you Mister J!"

"Come on Harley," Edward muttered as he slid her and the chicken onto his back, before running at full speed into the Volvo, toppling it over. "Oops sorry, one second." He got out and pushed it back on four tires again.

He had tied the purple refrigerator to the top of the roof. It screeched in protest to being knocked over like a traffic cone in the middle of the way of a Hummer with a middle aged balding man behind the wheel who has better things to do then saving the so called 'penguins' or 'polar bears' or the whole world from going into a nuclear winter. These people had to get home to their skinny bleached blonde wives who, it turns out has no natural skin left on their bodies, it has all been covered in money the form of plastic.

This fridge was scared for it's life already.

Its working class hero song had not shut up in fact until they had reached the H.Q. The Joker set down the switch he had been using to slap it repeatedly to stop singing, but the refrigerator had the soul of a piece of metal and didn't care.

"Got the Fridge?" Harley asked as Edward picked it off his car and carried it into the house. Harley followed close behind and cheered like the overly excited teenage cheerleader she really was inside.

Edward put it in front of the gaping hole, they used to call the wall. There was a matalic purr in the refrigerator already, though it hadn't been plugged in yet. After a quick, nonexplosive event of plugging in the refrigerator, Harley picked one of the cans of her Ben and Jerry's off of the floor and after smelling it, and deciding it was descent, opened the refrigerator and threw open the fridge's door.

Out ran a harried looking black cat.

"Told you I had a bachler's degree."

Author's Sorry Pathetic Moan filled Note: The reason I haven't updated. Er… My soul died, and I threw it up, then it drifted through the ceiling, and got stuck in the rafters. And on top of that I think my heart just exploded. But don't worry, that's normal. Thank you for not killing me, even though I'm sure you really wanted too!

And the thing with the puppy and the ice cream, thank you Stephen Colbert. Long live Colbert!


End file.
